Wanderling❁

pulse

 

---

what good is a heart

to a human

if it does not beat in time

with the ocean's thunder

and if, with hummingbird wings

it does not flutter

when you see the face

of the one you love

---

 

Begin again

 

 

---

I crumbled

and then it struck me -

I've been measuring my worth

in all the wrong ways

---

 

rendezvous

 

---

I desire you

so close

to take the air you breathe

& give you just enough space

to breathe only me

but I'm not your cigarette

simply

a drug

you wouldn't have to crave

if you came closer

and stayed

---

 

seeking self: finding balance ❁

 

 

 ---

 

For some time, I've been obsessed with proving that I can be comfortable in solitude. Then I caught myself, and re-drew the path.

 

Am I stronger if I can be confidently unafraid of going weeks without human touch or interaction? Perhaps. But I won't be impressed with myself. Admittedly, it doesn't take much to be with yourself. After quieting the voices & fears, breathing calmly, and finding some peaceful pastimes that fulfill you, the rest is easy. Being alone becomes easy. It's being among others that challenges your soul.

 

That's when you have to learn the fine balance between being in the world, and being of it. How to rise above when so many hands are dragging you down? How to keep loving people when they only seek to take advantage?

 

If you drain my happiness, I will release you. That is the vow we should all take. So running away to avoid pain & suffering is often necessary. But if you consider yourself to be more evolved than the average human who is merely fighting to survive, then I firmly believe you'll see you're capable of much more if you stay. Retreating into permanent solitude defies the true purpose of spiritual awakening, which aims to deepen your personal pool of love, so much so that filling another's cup leaves you unaffected.

 

You alone hold the power of balancing how much you give and how much you get - something I remind myself several times each day.

 

Consider your spiritual evolution. What have you changed over the years, and why, and how? Most importantly, who helped you along the way? People - their words and actions, their love and their hurt, their inspiration and generosity - these are the things that have shaped the oscillating energy that dances between your bones. Replenish the sea of universal love. Be that very person who once helped you. There are many incredible things that a human can achieve on their own; we've seen men & women swim across oceans, create unimaginable art, overcome physical disability to perform astonishing feats. But how do you grow, after living in the dark for so long that you can't recognize your own glowing form?

 

Maybe you see yourself through the eyes of another, for a while. Maybe you learn from example, or failure. Maybe you donate your time to helping someone who teaches you about value. Maybe you make a new friend, leave behind an old one, and make connections that introduce you to outlets of expression & peace that you would have never known if you walked the Earth all alone.

 

And of course, maybe once in a while, you reserve moments to refill yourself in the quiet of nature, or in the comfort of your home. We all deserve that; moon-like, to hide away a part of ourselves for a while. But be unafraid to return to the chattering, chaotic, and senseless world. You are greater than you know, and they need you. Who is "they"?

 

"They" are your family who sometimes drain you, but have given you love & life that you would be foolish to not reciprocate. They are your friends who know your faults, but choose to share your company because they see your unique capabilities. They are the strangers who have become acquaintances, who are fighting battles that no one can see, but are uplifted by the smile you don't even realize you give. They are the eyes reading these words, who I might not know, but have so much love for because I recognize the painful condition of being human and hope to spread hopeful light. They are you and me, who were so lucky to meet exactly where & when we did, because we've touched each other and grown together in unforgettable ways.

 

I stand in the middle, between giving and receiving, recognizing the limitless, divine love in my heart and the kindness I have to offer. I am unafraid to love & to lose, because I expect nothing in return. All is temporary: just passing through. In the end, the very end of everything, your soul takes nothing with it except impressions of energy - the impressions of those you touched, and touched you.

 

---

- faren rebecca rajkumar

This Week's Words

 

---

 

I've laughed, wept, shouted, danced, & fallen asleep to the words of this song recorded by Kaleo - at least once every day. Something about the quiet, underlying agony and the resigned acceptance of one's ordinary life is so apparent in these lyrics, I can't help but think of what unknown things we all wait for, and what unknown disappointments we'll have to learn to smile at one day.

 

"All the pretty girls like Samuel
Oh, he really doesn't share
Although it's more than he can handle
Life is anything but fair, life is anything but fair...

 

Just as soon as they turn older
He'll come and sweep them off their feet
It's only making me feel smaller
All the hidden love beneath

 

So won't you lay me, won't you lay me down...

 

All alone, alone again
No one lends a helping hand
I have waited, I have waited
Takes its toll, my foolish pride
How long before I see the light

 

I have waited, I have waited
For you to lay me down

 

Sail on by, sail on by for now
They play naked in the water
You know it's hard, heaven knows I've tried
But it just keeps getting harder

 

So won't you lay me, won't you lay me down..."

 

 

---

 

 

- music and lyrics by JJ Julius Son, All The Pretty Girls, Way Down We Go (2014)

mother's arms

 

 

---

bewildered

by the words of those who

feed me false scripture

who lift me up & throw me down

and prefer to be alone

but never are

I run to you

and I thank you, Mother

for accepting my tears

for once, lonely becoming

a comforting place

among your flowers & your falling sky

almost reborn

more shadow than woman

exactly as the Sun

intended me to be

somehow,

somehow, sadness

lives there still

and this is how I know

I am weak

but I am always alone, and braver for it

and will accept the kindness of praise

but only from you, Mother

for attempting to save my soul

I only wish

all the unseen love in my heart

was enough to save you, too

---

 

photo: sunset at Chassahowitzka Wildlife Management Area, march 2018

untitled hurt

 

---

maybe "needing you"

& the look in your eyes

are the lies I tell myself

maybe a dark fear

of failing my heart

is the only truth

---

 

the in between

 

---

my stories are born

from deep love

or sorrow, deeper still

but I am learning to

imagine myself

dancing, praying

in between

then, I will know

the true meaning of peace

but not before,

not before

---

 

opposite attraction

 

---

show me

show me where it hurts

I make no promises, except

to never touch you

in the places that already ache,

your being of hidden softness

 

and love me

love me with a something burning

entice the flesh to melt away

until I am bare

leaving only the light,

my soul of secret infinity

---

 

This Week's Words

 

---

 

I love when writers quote other writers. It delights me and somehow makes me feel a little more at home among humans.

I recently read this poetic quote in "Ideas of Heaven", a collection of comforting short stories by Joan Silber. Silber's narrator, in the story "Ashes of Love", finds himself enchanted by the words of Rainer Maria Rilke (the Austrian poet) while traveling through the greener & wilder parts of Thailand with his lover:

 

"... if only we too could discover a pure, contained

human place, our own strip of fruit-bearing soil

between river and rock. For our own heart always exceeds us..."

 

I keep repeating this phrase to myself as I go about my daily routine, searching for beauty in the ordinary. I know why we quote others. Sometimes our tongues fail, just as our hearts exceed us. Sometimes we need to hear our own thoughts strangely coming from another trembling artistic mind. Doesn't the universe work in strange, marvelous ways?

 

---

 

- Joan Silber, "Ideas of Heaven: A Ring of Stories", (2005)