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I wish my greatest fear was fear itself. Instead, I am paralyzed by my fear of change.
I spend my days clinging to the minutes, hours, aware that once a moment has passed, I'm left with just two options: a joyful memory, or painful regret. These minutes, hours are like smoke in my clenched fists. I am holding onto nothing. Just ideas, dreams, wisps of fleeting emotion.
How do we overcome powerful hesitation to move on and move forward? I think forgiveness is essential. Forgive me, my own heart, for being afraid, but changing from a time of unrestrained happiness and freedom feels like abandonment and deep loss. It feels like plunging into the dark without a light. I can have no idea what evil awaits, what weaknesses I'll find in my solitude, where I might leave my sanity and if I'll remember to go back and find it.
I scare myself so much with thoughts of losing the joyful present that I feel, at times, I am making love to a ghost. How unfair, to my body. How unfair, to the people who try to make the most of their time with me, when I'm too busy picturing them already far away.
Nothing anyone says can console me in. Maybe nature can. These trees & flowers that I love - I admire them because they grow, they change. The fading colors of sunset, into radiant shades of purple & blue - they represent the beauty that can be embodied in something even as it ends.
Nothing ever becomes stronger, more beautiful, more divine, by staying the same. You have survived change before, and you will this time, again. Recognize that your fear of change is your lack of faith in yourself, in your strength, and your ability to adapt evolve. Believe in yourself more strongly. Did nature not make you, too?
I know you are scared to open yourself to possibility. You are scared to reach your branches any higher. But it will be worth it.
Acceptance is equally important as forgiveness. With gratitude in your heart, accept that fate is continually delivering new events without which your life would remain motionless and meaningless. Do not ruin the beautiful present by dwelling on things, good or bad, that have yet to transpire. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be. And you will, be too. You will be happy, you will be brave, and you will be ready to fight any battle when the need arises. You will have more days in the sun, and these memories you are making will keep you warm when you need them. But for now, one day at a time, remain in love with this life.
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- faren rebecca rajkumar