Wanderling❁

another sunset

 

 

---

be still, shivering heart

the skies are falling, but you will not be harmed

why are you so afraid, at the end of this world?

it is the beginning, too

---

 

photo: sunset over Tampa, Florida, may 2019

eyes closed

 

---

thought I would love you this morning

but I woke up and was still numb

last night was not Andromeda or the Pacific tide,

but I suppose it was fun

when I let my body forget how it felt, to be

a tide pool of love with no brim

so it could be okay, pretending I was her,

and pretending you were him

---

 

possibility

 

 

---

even if the life we choose

tethers us closer to the ground,

though we always long for liberation

we are merely mortal,

and freedom is the cosmos letting us

create our own chains

---

photo: Angeles National Forest, april 2019

consume

 

 

---

I would eat him whole, if I could

and there he would rest

my own Jonah, in the cradle of the whale

rocking far beneath the ocean's face

shielded from currents and catastrophe

and the wickedness of the wanting world

safe in the darkened hearthstone

away from light's harshest gaze

if he was mine, I would keep him

with eyes closed, and at peace in the water

in the center of me, away from them

the hands and starved kisses

of nameless women searching for god

or some other reason to live

---

photo: Huntington Beach, CA, february 2019

untitled

 

---

wanted to get it right on the first try

but you woke up before me

and left the bed,

so here I am, and where are you?

in someone else's arms

and I'm telling myself,

I don't dream about you anymore

even though I easily could

and now you're not my home

didn't want first love to

become first heartbreak

but isn't that how it always goes?

---

 

embrace

 

---

it's in the waiting

when I open the creases slowly

to let out a little sound

it escapes, a sigh

and there it floats

and I am waiting

to be held as I once was

by him, in the dark

here it is again,

an expectation to be

loved, and to love

meet me in that space

---

 

and the desert said

 

 

---

release the breath

you've been holding in too long

and have a good cry

when you're in my arms

the safest place

to live, or to die

---

photo: desert dandelions, joshua tree national park, february 2019

a promise

 

 

---

unless

you want

to fly,

I will

never

let you go

and maybe

even then, I

will bind

myself to

your

cloud

trail

and take

to the skies

may I save

you from

hiding

---

photo: tampa sunset, april 2019

this week's words

 

 

---

 

 

sadness is the drug I consume as it consumes me. I am the sky looking down through my own bodily windows, searching for color and finding shadow. I am above and below, within and without, craving self-love and tasting dust. so of course Billie Eilish speaks to my soul with this song.

 

 

 

"it's not true
tell me I've been lied to
crying isn't like you

what the hell did I do?
never been the type to
let someone see right through

maybe won't you take it back
say you were trying to make me laugh
and nothing has to change today
you didn't mean to say "I love you"
I love you and I don't want to

 

up all night on another red eye
I wish we never learned to fly

maybe we should just try
to tell ourselves a good lie
I didn't mean to make you cry..."

 

 

---

 

 

- music and lyrics by Billie Eilish, i love you, When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go (2019)

unholy

 

---

the coming night is not as dark as my lover

nor as hungry, with its

secrets only a little torturous

and twilight can only be half as evil

when it quietly steals the light

while my lover robs me blind

---